Kai'rii- The Reflections of a Mandalorian

[Caer]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLYiIBCN9ec&feature=relmfu

Please play the song with the Story/Dream.

The edge of the Unknown

Running, they were running and it was nearly impossible to tell where their feet would fall next.  Guns hugged close to their chests, she could dimly make out the shape next to her in the choking smoke.  The only reason she wasn’t gasping for air and coughing was the simple fact her buy’ce was keeping most of it filtered out. It was still coming through the filter, no matter how good it was and she could even smell the more metallic smelling blood that wove it’s way through the smell of smoke, burning plastics and other less pleasant smells.

The armored Bothan next to her, threw a hand out and pressed against her chest plate, halting her progress. She panted, sweat soaked within her own armor and listened. All she could hear was the sound of her own breathing, coupled with the distant sound of blaster fire and yelling, then a whumph as something detonated somewhere nearby. By the sounds of it, it wasn’t a very light explosion. The ground they stood on shuddered with the impact of it and they both heard the screeching of metal as it was sheered apart by the damage.

[Caer]

Kai’rii rested. It wasn’t necessarily a deep and peaceful slumber, the weight of her worries resting heavily on her conscience. The impending rescue of Lazo, the recent discovery of her father outing himself to her as a force user, the many many daily worries, pressures and expectations. All of it weighed down on her and it was only with mild respite that she slept.

Even here though it seemed nearly impossible to find peace; the dreams of potential futures, nightmares of past.  It made her half afraid that she was force sensitive herself. It scared her to think that and even in dreams those worries nagged at her, tore at her like the baby krak’jya that now slept at her side.

Dreamscapes and Nightmares

(this was a chat converted to journal.)

[Caer]

The moon reflected on the sandy beach, the grains of sand glistened and sparkled like diamonds that had been laid out like a carpet. Tiny grains blew about as the wind picked up, a low moaning sound that sounded more like a man humming than actual wind. It carried a soft tune, the kind of song that was akin to a lullaby; or a dirge. The kind of sad and slightly chilling song that settled in the soul and nibbled at it until it was all eaten away.

Water could be heard, the crashing of the ocean hitting a rocky shore, but when looked at, the ocean was in absolute stillness. Not a drop moved, as if frozen in time glinting like shards of glass. The waves rising up to never crash down again, the frothy and frozen curling waves looking like clawed hands reaching for a shore it would never grasp. Water frozen in time or perhaps terror.

To the left was a wall that seemed to go on forever. The cliff face seemed to be made entirely of all the dangerous things one would never want to climb. Glass, jagged rocks, crumbling sand and slippery seashells. It stretched on for miles in either direction, the wall going on for miles and miles without any break to it.

I can't stand the fear it's leading me astray and it will be my ending

[Caer]

The helmet audio snaps on, somehow inadvertently.  The sounds that come through are obviously while a ship is in flight and the low hums and beeps of the ships normal operating systems can be heard.

So can a snippet of conversation.

Iamars voice comes through loud and clear.<Atmosphere clear. Ready to jump?>

Kai responds firmly as the sounds of her fingers flipping switches comes through. <Copy. ready for jump. Everythings input into the nav comp.>

Iamar:<Jump in three….two…one. Light it> Iamar pulls the hyperspace lever back and the starfield stretches and flashes into the rotating blue  hyperspace.

Kai launched into hyper and leaned back in her pilots chair. She sighed softly and used the time to go over the landing sequences and where they planned on landing.

Iamar: <Long ride. So….what are you wearing?>

Watch what you do with that....

[Caer]

The urge to scream was maddeningly strong, she thought. The urge to tear at her own skin and fur, the purely mental itching feeling making her skin crawl and her eyes roll in her head and curl up into a ball and just scream until it all went away, was painfully tempting.

Instead she sat, completely still. Her body bare of any armor, wearing a long sleeveless shirt that fit her form, accentuating the curve of her breasts, the flat belly, revealing bare shoulders and arms. It was a dingy white color and stained from use of many years.  The pair of shorts she wore matched the state of the shirt, looking tatty, ragged and well worn.

Comfort clothes.

The room was dark and there wasn't much to look at. Just four walls and some furniture.  Plain, really undecorated. It didn't seem important really, not right now anyways.

You can't live without the fire, it's the heat that makes you strong

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sco7GZOn1P8

Spoiler (hover to show)

Left іח tһе darkness
Here οח уουr οwח
Woke up a memory
Feeding tһе pain
Yου саחחοt deny іt
Tһеrе′s nothing tο ѕау
It’s аƖƖ tһаt уου need tο fire away

Oh damn, tһе war іѕ coming
Oh damn, уου feel уου want іt
Oh damn, јυѕt bring іt οח today

Yου саח′t live without tһе fire
It’s tһе heat tһаt mаkеѕ уου strong
‘Cause уου′re born tο live аחԁ fight іt аƖƖ away
Yου саח′t һіԁе wһаt lies inside уου
It’s tһе οחƖу thing уου′ve known
Yου′ll embrace іt аחԁ never walk away
Don’t walk away

Don’t walk away
Don’t walk away
Don’t walk away

Raised іח tһіѕ madness
Yου′re οח уουr οwח
It mаkеѕ уου fearless
Nothing tο lose

Dreams аrе a joke here
Tһеу ɡеt іח уουr way
Tһаt’s wһаt wһаt уου need tο fight day bу day.

Oh damn, tһе war іѕ coming
Oh damn, уου feel уου want іt
Oh damn, јυѕt bring іt οח today

Yου саח′t live without tһе fire
It’s tһе heat tһаt mаkеѕ уου strong
‘Cause уου′re born tο live аחԁ fight іt аƖƖ away
Yου саח′t һіԁе wһаt lies inside уου
It’s tһе οחƖу thing уου′ve known
Yου′ll embrace іt аחԁ never walk away
Don’t walk away

(Yου need חοt fеаr υѕ,
Unless уου аrе a Darkheart
A vile one wһο preys οח tһе innocent
I promise
Yου саח′t һіԁе forever frοm tһе empty darkness
Fοr wе wіƖƖ hunt уου down Ɩіkе tһе animals уου аrе
Aחԁ pull уου іחtο tһе very bowels οf hell)

Oh damn, tһе war іѕ coming
Oh damn, уου feel уου want іt
Oh damn, јυѕt bring іt οח today

Yου саח′t live without tһе fire
It’s tһе heat tһаt mаkеѕ уου strong
‘Cause уου′re born tο live аחԁ fight іt аƖƖ away
Yου саח′t һіԁе wһаt lies inside уου
It’s tһе οחƖу thing уου′ve known

Yου′ll embrace іt аחԁ never walk away
Don’t walk away

Don’t walk away
Don’t walk away
Don’t walk away

[Caer]

Children

There was nothing but silence. There was no sound to disturb the perfect silence, complete yet brittle like cracked glass. It was quite possible to shatter that silence, break it down with something as gentle as a sigh, or something as harsh as a yell. But there it was, silence in all its temporary bliss. The darkness shielded the occupants of the room from the outside world and all the ugliness it carried with it. In here there was no armor to protect breakable bones, pierce-able skin, stop delicate hearts.

Strong arms wrapped around the slender form, a chin rested on a shoulder. Chest pressed against a back, legs curled up in unison. Breathing was in tandem with one another and hearts beat only fraction of a second apart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8XvXyVrHRe0

[Caer]

I still train, I still adhere to the ways I chose, but I also know that there is a world beyond the beskar. I think that is where many many mandalorians fail. They let things like the resol'nare consume them, eat at their core and then leave nothing but an empty shelless husk of a being that does nothing more than sit or stand or loom for days on end without any hint of who or what they used to be.

When did the resol'nare, the code say to become a humorless beast without a thought of their own? When did the path of being a Mandalorian mean that you had to become some thing dark, horrible and sinister? I look at so many of these beings and I pity them. They lock themselves away to sit on their pedestools created by their students and themselves. They preach through one side of their mouths and then act upon it in the opposite fashion.

Live the Life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BIL9dblda_A

[Caer]

I don't get what is with Krak'jya. He doesn't like Iamar at all. In the least.  It's frightening but I get this...sense of jealousy and animosity from the little beast. I can't put my finger on it or explain how or why I feel this way, but it feels like he just views Iamar as a threat to me. He bites him every opportunity he can get and has even gone as far as to hide in our bed just to try and attack him. We have to check under things, around things or in our bed almost regularly to make sure he's not waiting for Iamar.

Iamar tries to be patient, but even I can see that he's losing patience.

Krak'jya Nightmares

[Caer]

Kai'rii felt a bit out of sorts.

Okay a lot out of sorts. It wasn't really through any fault of her own, she had drank a tad too much after a long day of dealing with Daily and Niaska. It had started with a middle of the night comm call that had Niaska sounding scared over the comm, saying her and Daily had crashed her ship.

She also felt slightly out of sorts because of having walked in on Niaska and Daily being... close. It wasn't somethings she was particularly thrilled with in seeing, but she'd kept firm in her determination to embarrass the hell out of both of them.

Sleepy thoughts and a rescue of a different sort

[Caer]

It was cold. She hadn't anticipated the cold and she was fairly sure they  likely kept it cold for a reason, make prisoners more compliant, more willing to do anything they wanted. Make them better behaved and lethargic. A lethargic prisoner was less likely to be willing to cause problems, less likely to cause fights and more likely to confess to just about anything.

She felt sleepy, the kind of sleepy that came from being afraid. Yes, she could admit she was afraid. No matter what the Al'verde said, no matter what the others said, things could (and often did) go wrong. Now she was in here, they couldn't get to her, not without blowing her cover and putting themselves in danger.

Behind the bars I wait.

[Caer]

Day three.

A work detail.  Kai’rii had been drawn for this one- had been taken out just before dawn, lined up before the harsh glare of the spot lights. Handed simple tools. Shovels, axes, hoes, and a few had been given the privilege of carrying long knives stood in a sleepy, nervous yet at the same time aware row. Kai’rii was not one of the ‘fortunate’ few who had been given a weapon.

The gray clad officer held a data pad in his creamy and very nice looking hands- hands that had not seen a hard days labor ever in his life. Gods knew he’d never seen labor like this and Kai’rii half wondered how he managed to get stuck out here in the middle of planet hell pulling this duty. He had to have messed something up, she thought.

Shadow of the day.

[Caer]

When was the last time I picked this up?

It feels like a life time ago and my mind feels so muddled in terms of how things happened, the sequential order all jumbled up in my mind. I wish to write in great detail about all that has happened, but that would possibly require hours of writing that I simply do not have.

I will start with the one important thing I cannot forget; Lazo is safe. Though I cannot say with certainty that he is whole.  Something has broken within his mind and no matter what efforts father and I make, he seems unwilling to reach out and take the hands that are offered him. He’s soul sick for one. I know he wishes very much for Kos’ruk to be there and she is not.

How long, how long has it been...

[Caer]

The Island is beautiful.  I cannot express enough just how wonderful it is and with each passing day I want to stay more and more. The benefits of going back home start to fade little by little.

What more is keeping me there? What is there that I have there? My home of course, but even that seems like it’s less like home and more and more like a location I keep my stuff and my pets. It’s just so much stuff that can be packed and located elsewhere. I can always make a new home elsewhere. Koltar and the others can always find new lands to hunt, new places to live too. They’ll adapt, they’re good at adapting.

Looking back on hope

[Caer]

Niaska is sick, I got a comm from her saying that she’s having some sort of reaction to her medication that she takes. I’m not entirely sure how it all works but the medicine she takes are hormones that help her become more effeminate. She said that there are adverse affects to taking the hormones and that there are sometimes side effects that can make her feel ill, but not like this.

I have to admit, that I do not understand these things. Going from male to female, taking hormones and such to make it happen baffles me. I am not disgusted but I do hold a certain trepidation for all this. So I used a data terminal and looked up some things.

Scattered thoughts, like fluffy clouds...

[Caer]

Kai'rii could hear the waves crashing onto the shore from the open balcony. The curtains fluttered in the moonlit breeze and her nose twitched at the salty smell that wafted through. The cool breeze crossed the room, causing the fur to ripple along her bared shoulder.

The room was dark and the steady breathing of Iamar could faintly be heard. They had made love, had spoken softly before falling into sleep. Kai'rii had woken some time later; a dream that had stirred her that she could not remember.

This is your life, are you who you wanna be?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LJPHKfnmRk&NR=1