Kai'rii- The Reflections of a Mandalorian

[Caer]

OOC: Standard disclaimer: Cannot be used ICly without permission. Anything written cannot be used IC, nobody can find it, force users cannot osmosis it, even the goddamn batman has no access to this journal.

Please feel free to enjoy and comment in the comment section.

Everything is written in Bothese as that is her native language. Unless specified in that entry, just assume it's written in Bothese- hence why her writing is currently better than her basic speaking.



I was told when I was a little girl by one of my cousins that it was a good idea to keep a diary. That a girl ought to have some place to put down her inner most secrets and desires and thoughts and all that stuff.

Of course my cousin was a fru fru air head who thought the galaxy revolved around them and that they really were a princess.

What's even worse is that my cousin was a boy, and he was girlier than I was; and even worse than that? They looked better in my dresses too. His parents were not proud of the fact he liked to wear dresses and I think they had him institutionalized for it. I remember him quietly going away when I was around twelve or so.

I guess if I'm going to start a diary, I should tell a little something about myself. Though if you are my diary, I would think you know so much about me already. But maybe if someone else finds this some day or I have children of my own (hah! the idea of children frightens me), they can read you and know what kind of person I was.

Well, my name is Kai'rii. I'm seventeen, soon to be eighteen in a few weeks.  I was born to parents who are clothiers. They make clothes for the famous and elite of Bothan society. We've dressed famous Bothan movie stars, singers and of course our galaxy famous politicians such as those who sit on our illustrious council. Of course mother and father think they're social elitists themselves, but really who thinks anyone who makes clothes for a living is special?

That is not to say that they do not receive recognition, mother and father have people from all the home worlds of Bothans asking for their clothing. My mother does most of the sewing and manufacturing, father does all the bookkeeping and financial things such as ordering the cloth, inspecting of the bits and pieces to make sure they're the best of the best.

In short dear diary, my parents are snobs.

I love my parents, I really really do; it's just that they think everything is beneath them. Sometimes I think they feel that way about my siblings and I too. My two sisters and brother. Of course I'm the black nuna of the family since I chose not to take a sensible profession and instead wanted to be something other than a seamstress or a trader or a fleet pilot. My sister of course sensibly married into a richer family who are wine makers.  My younger sister is too young still to pick up a trade, but she of course decides to parrot after mother and act like she knows it all.  My brother who is the oldest signed on with a fleet of merchants who go around other planets and sell their items.

But I don't want to do that. It is boring to me. The thought of sitting amongst bolts of cloth and putting together outfits so people can flaunt it like they're the ones that created it. I want to be something better than that.

I want to be a Mandalorian.

I know a little about the culture.  I know they are honorable, most of them anyways. They are steeped in a culture almost as rich if not richer than my very own peoples culture. They're not all the ham fisted idiots that many mistake them for. Many of them do many different things. Not just mercenaries or cold blooded killers. Many of them are also weapon makers and armor smiths. They also do other things as well.


So diary, that was why I was kicked out of the house.

It was during one of our usual fights. Father telling me I needed to be more lady like so I could find a gentleman who would want to marry me, me telling him for the billionth time that I didn't want to get married and the billion reasons why. Mother harping on me about continuing the family line and traditions that have been in our family for over twenty generations. Same song different dinner on the table.  Mother then sprung on me during a tense lull in dinner conversation (read: arguing) that she had set up a blind date for me with a neighboring Clans son. 

I was angry, very. How dare she try to control my life!

I told her to cancel it, that I wasn't going and that was that.

I don't want to repeat all that I was called and how awful of a being I was for refusing such a wonderful thing, but it ended with me telling mother and father they can take their virtuous existence, their money and their house and cram it up their arses. I packed my things, took out my savings which consisted of around three thousand credits and left. I didn't bother saying goodbye, didn't bother telling them anything. I left a note for sissy to let her know i was leaving and everything was okay, that I still loved her.

I took a public speeder to the starport and from there took my little ship that I owned and traded it in for a more space faring one (Plus a few hundred extra credits). I could have have asked one of my cousins or uncles for a better one, but I know that they might have put a tracker or a tracer on it. It's not a very nice ship but it works for what I need it to do.

I'm glad uncle Moss'Raek taught me all he did. Since he came into our lives he's been a wonderful man and treats me like a person, not like an object to be passed off for status. He's been a good friend and wonderful support. I'm just sad to learn he had a heart attack and that he's unable to continue. I'll miss him and I left him a holo-mail. I gave him my contact information in case he wants to talk to me.

If it hadn't been for him and another Uncle of mine, I'd have never learned to shoot as well as I do. When Uncle Xen'sae was unable to teach me anymore, Moss'raek came in and continued. Xen was a wonderful uncle too, always teasing me and telling me i could do better.

Xen'sae was the first one to tell me about the Mandalorians. He said I was as stubborn and as set in my ways as they were. He said he had a Mandalorian friend while fighting in the Clone Wars. He said he was a good person and saved his life. From then on, I prodded Uncle Xen about stories until he was called away by his work. I haven't seen him in two years.

So here I am, diary.

On Tatooine with only a few credits to my name and a drive to seek out this desire of mine. I'm ready for it though. I know I am, and while my basic is terrible, I can at least communicate enough with these Aliens to tell them what I want. Besides they're not so bad, they are mostly decent people. Nothing like what i was told by father.

It's late and I want to rest. I hope the person in the room next to me tonight is not someone who screams in night terrors.

[Caer]

I had no idea this planet would be so hot! Even with my fur as trimmed as short as it is, I feel like I'm baking. Going outside it torture.

I hope I can adapt soon to it. I don't think I can afford to move to another world, at least not having a bunch of money. I had what little I had left stolen from me, thankfully I was smart at didn't carry it all with me, I put some of it in my room at the hotel and kept it hidden so the innkeeper and whoever else might come and go didn't take it. I have enough for small meals and some other necessities. I'm glad the room is paid for the month, I at least thought ahead on that.

Meeting so many people has been fascinating. These Aliens are nothing like what mother and father have said they were. Well, some are. Some are filthy, nasty horridly ugly looking creatures. I have to admit, I'm pretty appalled by how Rodians look and smell, and the Trandoshans look like they belong in a zoo. 

I don't say anything though, because that would just be rude, but some of these beings are so hideously ugly. Mother and father would be horrified to see these people.

I've met some Mandalorians. One who's name I can't remember, invited me to go hunt Krayts with his Clan. It was amazing! I was among so many huge beasts! They were so massive and it took a lot of fire power to bring down just one. But we did it. There was others there too, who were teasing but not maliciously so. They kept calling me bait, it made me laugh on the inside. These things would not have tasted me if they'd eaten me.

I also got hired on by a woman named Lexi to work security for her city. I managed to pick up my uniform before I had to go, but it was a beautiful city. I didn't get to stay long though. I'll go back after this job with some man named Eltich. He wanted to know if I could fight and I said yes, I sparred against another Mandalorian who beat me, but it was a fun fight.

I must find food, there's a diner across from the cantina that is relatively inexpensive. I usually ordered the sliced protatoes and a sandwich. I can't wait to start making money again and being independent! No more relying on mother and father. Just me!

[Caer]

I don't think I've ever hurt so much in my entire life as I do right now.

My side hurts pretty bad, but I have to take care of cousin Lazo. He was hurt even worse than I was and it's so strange, but I thought I was hurt really bad too. But that lady did something to me. She said it was the bacta and pain killers, but how can bacta and a pain killer heal up that laser sword wound so fast? It hurts to stretch, but the wound is sealed! It's like some sort of magic you hear in books. There's a spot where the fur is gone and I'm definitely going to have a scar, but I think the fur will cover it.

Mother and father would be furious if they knew what I just did. More than furious, they'd probably be beside themselves with rage.

I just went with a group of people to help fight the Empire! I didn't know we were going to fight the Empire, I think Eltich left that part out on purpose. But when I arrived with Lazo at the zone, we were briefed and that was when I found out. I was a little scared. Okay, I was a lot scared. I wasn't sure if I was actually going to survive this. I guess when you hear someone say that you could die, the words really don't have any affect until you're out there getting shot at.  I've never been so scared in my entire life.

But I wanted to live and I shot back at the faceless men. I had to remember these Humans were the ones who were trying to take my home world, had put the blockade on Bothawui. They were the reason why some of my Clan was working against them.

It came down to knowing that they would have killed me without a thought.

So I stopped thinking, I just acted. I used my Companion Koltar to help me, he'd harry them while I shot at them. They would be too distracted by my cat to notice me while I sniped at them from behind the wall. It worked until the laser sword people came. I asked Lazo what they were and all he said was that they could do amazing things with their minds such as lift people and should be avoided at all costs.

I tried to avoid them, but we ended up surrounded by so many. I ended up hurt and had to go to the med-center. Some tiny human by the name of Xiane was alone in there and was doing her best to help people. There was also the Ihalle man who I call Fat Head Rude Man because he yelled at me when I asked to help. I just wanted to help Sani, she has been pretty kind to me and fun to talk to. I think she was hurt very badly, much like the others who came in. Several got put into Bacta and when I brought Lazo in, Tiny Human Xiane helped him in some way. I'm not sure how.

It was pure chaos, diary. I wanted to cry but I knew that wasn't a very brave thing to do so I put myself to work and Sani had me count the people who were there. I did as I was asked and wrote down all the names of those who were there and showed them to her. She seemed worried.

That's when the man named Eltich came in. He was the one who hired me and told me not to die. He was the one who said that the job was dangerous and made me ask Lazo for permission to come.

I confess diary, I passed out before I found out if he lived or died.

I woke up this morning and the med-center was deathly (Pardon the term) quiet. So I snuck outside and wrote in here. I'm hoping Cousin Lazo will wake up soon so I can ask him questions. I want to write his wife a holo-mail but I'm afraid she'd come down here and kill me if I tell her that her husband was hurt.

So I'm not going to write her.

Well..maybe..later. When I know she won't kill me.

[Caer]

I got signed on! That group that Eltich works with asked me to sign on!

That means regular pay! Regular food and clothes! Means I can get my armor repaired and my weapons and maybe find a more stable place to stay other than Lazo's and Ruks place (it's nice but it's kind of creepy). Maybe I can even get my own house or apartment! How exciting would that be! To finally live on my own, finally be fully independent and not have to talk to anyone at all, ask for permission or by their leave or what I can't  or can do.

I helped find someone named Rieme last night. He's the leader of the group and Eltich was saying that we needed to find him ASAP. So we went on this long drive with Tiny Human Xiane, Ihalle (Fat head rude man, but he apologized so I promised I wouldn't call him that anymore) and Sani. We found him in some cave unconscious.

I don't understand a lot of things, it frustrates me to no end because my basic is terrible. Some of the things people say don't make sense to me and I find myself embarrassed to ask for a translation. I need to find a program on how to teach Basic, but can't afford to right now. I know people laugh at me when I say the wrong words, but I can't help it. It's hard to understand all the slang and different meanings of the same words.  I also have problems with different ways to say things.

I try not to get disheartened by it though, it's hard sometimes. But then I remember all the good things that will come out of this. All the goals I have and the things I want to do. I'll improve and get better and learn how things work better.

Speaking of! I found a nice little E-11 on the battlefield after I went out to retrieve another persons weapon. It's a nice gun, I took it apart, cleaned it up and put it back together. I think I might keep it, just in case my whistler dies on me or something. Besides it never hurts to have another gun or two. Right? I might see about picking up a small side arm, the DL I have isn't very reliable. I tried to shoot a guy the other day for getting too close and ended up jamming on me.

I saw a nice gun the other day during the fight I wouldn't mind having one of. I need to find the person who owns it so I can ask them where they got it.

Right now though I need to wait for Cousin Lazo to wake up and tell him the good news.

[Caer]

Kai'rii was pretty hungry. She didn't have any idea how much time had passed, but she had felt like she'd been here for days.

She knew a few things.

She was scared. She had no idea where she was and that she was very upset.

She knew she had made a very big mistake when she'd fallen into the speeder and an even bigger mistake when she'd decided it would be a good idea to get into the ship with the two Humans. Why had she gotten into the ship!? What was she thinking?

These were questions that she was asking herself now as she sat in the tiny gray cell with the frightening devices sticking out of the walls and the chair that sat in the middle of the cell. Kai'rii had crammed herself back into the farthest corner and had remained there the whole night. She was cold, it felt like the air conditioning was on and the wall against her back felt like ice.

She rolled her shoulders and thought about what she should do now, not what she should have done -then-. That was in the past, it was too late to do much about it and that was that. She had however been surprised when they didn't hurt her.

Well that was after they had found her. She'd hidden for some time in the hangar then one of the men who she'd stowed away with had found her, called some being in red and he'd stunned her.

She'd never been stunned before, that had hurt quite a bit and she wasn't eager to do that again. Of course, it didn't hurt as bad as the glowing sword from the battle.

Kai'rii had talked to the man in red. He'd spoken to her, said that the ones she worked for were supporters of the Alliance. That the Mandalorians who were helping her were wrong and blind in their devotion.

She hadn't believed a word of it.

Even the most elementary of Bothan schools taught their pupils that the Empire lies. That the Empire was built from its very foundations on up to it's tallest towers on lies, propaganda and slander. The very core of the Empire was the evilest lie of all. Even the private school she had attended (until recently) had taught her that the Empire was a vile repulsive place, ran by vile and repulsive people. The Empire would say anything to make a person believe them. After all, did they not have other species eating out of their hands?

Unlike the Bothans.

Bothans were too intelligent and crafty to even consider siding with the Empire.

Spring had said he wouldn't let them hurt her though; mostly because she said that she wanted to be a Mandalorian. Something had made him change his mind about hurting her perhaps.

Kai'rii wasn't sure.

She wondered if anyone realized she was missing. She doubted it; nobody had seen her fall in that she knew of and chances were they probably thought she'd just taken off during the battle. Maybe they thought she was scared and was hiding.

That thought made her feel awful. The hunger didn't help the thought much.

She went to sleep feeling quite sorry for herself.

[Caer]

Diary.

I am so very confused and feel as if my mind is being torn in about one hundred directions at once.

I for one, cannot remember the past two days. I recall being in a fight, someone had come and attacked Solus, hurt Lazo and then everything went black. From then on, I only have flashes and they make no sense. A gray place, ashes in my mouth, heat that felt like was trying to cook me. Sharp unimaginable pain. I have these lines on my body now.. jagged and strange like lightning. I was told I was hit by the demon lightning. The woman said it will heal, but I might have scars, it depends on how well I heal.

I feel like I don't belong here, like I am in a world that I don't quite understand. The Demons claim that they're not all the same, but how do I know that? How can I be sure of that? Elkesi said that we are family, but I don't understand what he means by that. My family was very quiet, cold and polite in society. At home everything was stiff and formal. We only spoke when we needed to, not because we wanted to. Idle chat and closeness was not my family. Mother and father ran a strict home, we went to school, came home on the weekends and then we gave our reports of how our classes were going and 'discussed' what our grades were and why we had to improve upon them.

These... Humans are different. These beings seem so dysfunctional, disillusioned and ... and... hardened.

I wish I could remember what happened.

But all I can recall is blacking out in combat and waking up in combat.

Nobody had come for me. No one had noticed I was gone or asked me what happened.

Perhaps I was upset, scared. Perhaps I had hoped someone had cared enough to come and find me; but nobody had. They had gone off to rescue some Human, some guy I don't recall meeting. I had no idea where I was or who I may have been with. I know that there was pain. But that is all, I have no idea what anyone said to me, who may have had me or if anyone DID have me! I just know that somewhere....I was lost.

And nobody came to fine me.

I confess diary, I feel very alone. Everyone seems to have friends and people who care about each other. I know no one and while I try to remain positive, it feels very disheartening to realize that I have no family here, no friends- all of my friends at school are on Bothawui.

I'm feeling sorry for myself I know I am. It is stupid and immature.

I guess I didn't realize how hard it is to be on ones own.  To have to realize that... this is not home is a difficult lesson.

[Caer]

Diary

I will make a more extensive entry lateer.

I have agreed to get along with the demons of our family, but only for the sake of peace and friendship.

I cannot say that I am happy, but there is little choice I feel. I have signed a contract with these people and I cannot back out,no materhow I feel, icannot shirk on my word, that would be dishonorable.

Armide is helping me learn as is piot and eltich.

I am still angry at lazo.

I will write more latet.

(written on the phone, sorry for suckage)

[Caer]

Diary-

Again I lay here healing and it's becoming frustrating.

It seems like the more I stand up for myself the more I get knocked down. It's hard to explain to them in Basic that I just grow tired of the smugness, the people who seem to find it necessary to try and drag me down to their pathetic level.

And I find myself falling for it.

Elkesi said I need to be more open minded.

I feel like I tolerate as much as I can. I have to tolerate the demons, but Arsani and her friend Ihalle push my patience to no end. They are prideful like Bothans they hold no honor. They're honorless and I said so. That angered Ihalle and we had a fight. I won and Eltich told me to back down when I held the gun to his head. I was serious about my fight, they may have been playing but I was not. I was willing to stand my ground.

I'm tired of dealing with these people. Tired of having to see them tear me down and then offer to help me. That is not honor, that is being abusive. You do not hurt someone and then offer to heal them. That's just stupid. That's not being a friend. I asked Sani and Ihalle to leave me alone, but they insist on following me, sitting there at my table, after I asked them to leave me alone. I ended up leaving the area.

Am I close minded? Am I that? I don't think I am, I have standards and they're high standards. These people are filthy, wallowing in their own honorless filth. Even they admit as much but when called on it they get angry. How is that even logical?

I do not even know how to think anymore.  I am trying so hard to stick to my beliefs. Trying very hard to keep my code of honor intact without pashing it to the ground and stomping all over it, it seems like others are doing that for me. It's difficult to sit and

I'm trying really hard to find some balance and find something that makes everyone happy, but keeping me happy at the same time. How do you do that and not feel like garbage. People don't seem worried about offending me,but I'm supposed to worry about offending them. That seems rather stupid to me.

I am sad to say, this is the worst birthday I think I've ever had to spend.

[Caer]

Just a small update diary.

But Jeremiah...he just gave me a ship for my birthday. I let slip it was and that I haven't had a very good one, and he just...gave me a dunelizard.

I now have a ship, now I just need to learn how to fly it.


But I must do it in secret so clan doesn't know...

[Caer]

Others have taken it upon themselves to teach me better basic. Eremi said I make her head hurt badly to hear me talk and while I am embarrassed to hear it, I know she's right. I try to speak properly, but it's difficult with how their way of speaking doesn't match mine.

I spent the day with Armide and her group, they took me to another place where we spoke with a Wookiee who was Mandalorian. I did not pay much attention, I felt out of sorts and out of place with how everyone was speaking Mando'a and I admit, I was a bit jealous that they spoke it so fluently and yet I can barely grasp Basic. I felt like such a stupid child.

Ihalle attacked me again today, claiming that I needed to learn a lesson. This time while I was talking with Sayon, he picked up my chair and threw me and it. It ended up splitting the stitches that Elistine had put in there for me, so it was another trip to the medcenter. I honestly at that moment considered going back home to Bothawui and admitting defeat.

Especially after I learned that Sayon is another one of those demons. Except that he used his power to make my stomach and mouth feel better. I did not understand it all, but he was given permission by Armide to do so. She was very unhappy about it. I think she was a little mad at me too for not telling her what happened at the Krayt graveyard. I felt bad, but I do not want to bother anyone.

Diary, I am so confused. I spent most of the evening following Armides clan and thinking. Trying to think how I could be a better person, how I can tolerate these demons without betraying my sense of belief and learn to pick my battles more carefully. I do not want to be branded a coward.  A.. a.. hut'uun.  She said I cannot dishonor her armor that she has let me use.

I have been learning the language slowly. I have picked up a few words but I will not let them pass my lips until I am told it is okay to.  That is not within my rights yet and until my teachers say so, I cannot.

I honestly do not know what to think of Ihalle or Sayon, or even Cousin in law Lazo. They are so very confusing to me and the idea of constantly being picked on by Ihalle for whatever reason he has is a little disconcerting. I do not want to have to abandon my place of enjoyment, but neither do I want to constantly be hit or thrown around because he feels the need to flex his prowess to his clan mates.

I at least made it through the day with minimal crisis. Eremi was decent to me even though I annoy her, some of the others kept correcting my Basic, and while I was sort of glad for the help, it got a little bothersome after a bit. I can understand though, my Basic IS terrible and it is hard to know how to properly speak when so many of them have terrible accents.

Khalon has been very kind to me. We spoke for quite a while the other night and...he kissed me.

I've never been kissed before and from a Human... my parents would scream scandal.

[Caer]

I am not sure why I have neglected my diary.

I guess I have a lot to say but I am not sure where to begin. There is many things to discuss and I cannot figure where it would be a good place to start.

I suppose I should start with the things I really do not want to discuss first.

I had a horrible moment of weakness where I thought I did not belong becoming a mandalorian. It's something I admit I am ashamed of, but even still, I kind of feel this way. I cannot help that I feel like I am failing somewhere and it is something I do not understand. I spent the majority of the day alone today and exercised; while I exercised I thought about how I needed to improve.

The only things I can figure I need work on is learning how to use hand to hand better and my basic. My weapons use is good, my aim is nearly perfect.

I think Ihalle will stop throwing me now. I heard his dog died and as tradition by my people I gave him a gift. He accepted it and seemed okay with it, today he gave me a gift of food for Koltar. I am afraid that I will not come back from what I am about to go off to.

My first battle ever and I have no confidence.

Lazo and I had a very long talk and while I am not sure if I will ever like him. I am not sure if I could ever really trust him, but he did give me a nice gift. A scope that would fit my weapons. He said it would really do well for a verpine, but I have yet to get the courage up to look at the cost of one.

Tonight I spoke with a Bothan who seemed sane. He at least did not try to drag me out of the cantina to 'make babies' as one had put it to me this week. We sat and spoke of our respective homes and beliefs. He is from Coruscant, he said his name was Peshk, I think.

My memories are kind of jumbled right now, I had to take Minas home after he came back from talking to Armide about getting training with her. He came back completely hammered, unable to walk straight and speak coherently. He was so drunk that it was ridiculous. I did manage to get him home before heading home myself.

I'm tired and scared. I cannot stop thinking about how I might not make it through this week.

What scares me more is that I know is if anyone would miss me. I know my mother and father would not care. They would not know if I died and if they did find out I am sure they would claim they have no daughter. My Clan has ex-communicated me so there would be no burial.

At least Armide said she would miss me.

For some reason that made me feel better.

[Caer]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U0jZrAIl9Jg&feature=related

This is a call to arms, gather soldiers
Time to go to war
This is a battle song, brothers and sisters
Time to go to war

Did you ever believe?
Were you ever a dreamer?
Ever imagine heart open and free?
Did you ever deny?
Were you ever a traitor?
Ever in love with your bloodless disease?

This is a call to arms, gather soldiers
Time to go to war
This is a battle song, brothers and sisters
Time to go to war

Ever want to be free?
Do you even remember?
Want to be god and devil like me?
Ever want to just stop?
Do you want to surrender?
Or fight for victory?

Here we are at the start, I can feel the beating of our hearts

Here we are at the start...

Darkness falls, here comes the rain to wash away the past and the names
Darkness falls, here comes the rain to end it all, the blood and the game

Far, far away in a land that time can't change
Long, long ago in a place of hearts and gold
Far, far away in a land that time can't change
Long, long ago in a place of hearts and ghosts

This is a call to arms, gather soldiers
Time to go to war (Far, far away...)
This is a battle song, brothers and sisters
Time to go to war (Long, long ago...)
This is a call to arms, gather soldiers
Time to go to war (Far, far away...)
This is a battle song, brothers and sisters
Time to go to war

This is a call to arms, way of the night
This is a battle song, way of the night

[Caer]

Grab your gun
Time to go to hell
I'm no hero
Guilty as charged

Search and destroy

Found my faith
Living in sin
I'm no Jesus but neither are you my friend
I'm on hope above the broken dreams
The simple answer is never what it seems

A million little pieces broken in two
A million little pieces I've stolen from you
Search and destroy
Search and destroy

Kai'rii stared into the vivid blue eyes of the human. He was dead, shot down by blaster fire and the look of startled surprise was still evident on his face. It was as if the being even in death could not believe that he was in that position. His neck was twisted to one side unnaturally, jaw slack and his body was half buried under another. His hand lay flopped over his chest, as if it had tried to hold in the blood that had escaped.

He was handsome as far as humans went, she supposed. Her mind not quite clicking with the fact that this being, this Human was dead. Not until another body had thumped on top of it and had caused her to scream. That one was missing its head.

Scrambling back she tried to climb over the rapidly growing pile of bodies that cluttered and clogged up the tiny little hallway.

This nightmare was just getting worse and worse and it felt like the deeper into the durni hole they went, the worse it got.

It smelled. Smelled of blood and of urine and feces. The last testaments to dead and dying men and women.  It reeked of desperation, determination and hate.

She was numb. Kai'rii had stopped feeling anything but the sole desire to survive this. She had shot at anything that had moved and she didn't recognize. She let the taller beings run ahead of her and forge a path so she did not have to. However, that meant stepping over the mounting body count that was left in their wake. They were a struggle to get over, cloth and armor made for a slippery slope in an already lethal terrain.

Kai'rii forced herself to move forward, to keep up. If she didnt' she knew she was as good as dead. She followed the familiar forms ahead of her and surged forward with each new wave. Both sides rose and fell like tides, faceless beings, not so many faceless beings. They all ended up the same in the end and she was determined not to be one of them.

Death on the holovisions, in the movies were so different. They didn't mean much, right? After all they were just actors and actresses playing a part. The news was just that, news. One could watch the evening news and tsk , shake their head and then flip to the next program. It didn't affect them personally. There was nothing personal about the death one saw on the screen.

She would never, ever, ever take that for granted again.

Kai'rii did not understand that after all had been said and done, they could celebrate. They could speak and laugh, joke and smile. She couldn't even -feel-. It was just a jumbled mess of nothing inside her and as she watched as the laughed, set off fire works and commiserate their good fortune, she thought about those beautiful blue eyes. She thought about the hands that had stretched out in their final moments. Her mind could not get rid of the images of the trampled bodies, the people who would never see another celebration.

For the first time in her life, she finally realized what it meant to sacrifice.

Kai'rii, who had been innocent to war...that had been torn away with those beautiful blue eyes.

Even as she sat in the hotel room, she couldn't close her eyes without seeing them.  She half wondered if she'd ever get them and the rest of all she had witnessed out of her head.

[Caer]

Khalon and Elistine have been very kind to me since the battle.  I have had trouble sleeping and while I wish I could just simply lay down and rest my head, I close my eyes and I will find myself jerking away, terrified, sometimes so much so I hide under my blankets and shiver.  Elistine asks me how I am and Khalon sat with me and had a drink. He is a very nice man, chats with me about whatever I want to talk about. Sometimes he is doing the adult thing and just letting me babble and I think he tries to make me feel better. He and Elistine are very patient with me and it is odd to see people- humans least of all- seem to worry over me. My own parents never seemed to worry about how I felt and the sensation is odd. Not unwelcome, but odd.

Lazo and I are not getting along still. I just do not trust him, something about him seems different, his smell. It sets me on edge, there is something just... not... what is the word I am looking for... His smell seems as if it is not what he appears. That is the best way I can describe it. I cannot for the life of me figure out why it makes me edgy. Perhaps it feels like he's -hiding- something. I do not like it.

I do what I was asked to by Armide and Eltich everyday. I do my exercises and I eat the meals I looked up on the holo for high exercise diet. It is mostly just protein cubes and high energy pastes. I have little appetite for anything else, even though I can cook some of the best Bothese meals, I just can't really stomach the thought. Maybe it is because I stop and think of all the dead people who will not get to eat and that spoils it for me.

I know it's silly to think that way. But diary, if you had been there, if you had seen all the cut up pieces, the blaster holes. These people, they looked just like any of us. Looked just like any other person who could walk down the street, could share a meal with, could have a conversation at a transport stop. How can these things hide among us, but yet be so responsible for the problems of the galaxy?

It is a sore lesson I can't say I am happy to learn.

Speaking of lessons, I have not seen Armide in days. I find myself missing her, even though I wonder if she is not angry for some reason. I want to talk to her about what I should do to handle the emotions I feel.  I have gone to the tower as often as I can, but every time I have gone it as been empty. Perhaps they are all away on missions? I will leave a note today if I do not find one.

It is time for my secodn round of training today, I should go. I want to keep a schedule.

[Caer]

//Incoming message.//

Greetings sister-

I am writing you to give you a heads up.

Mother and father have gone to great lengths this time and even brother and I cannot agree with this, but we had no say in the decision. I wanted to comm you, but father and mother both are watching over our every move lately. Ever since you have left, they both have been surly and disagreeable to every little thing.  Your rebellious nature has made it that much more difficult for us at home, not that I am blaming you, just merely stating fact. You know I love you my sister, which is why I am writing you here. I borrowed my friend Sho'tas datapad which is why you did not recognize the senders ID number. I'm sure you remember her, we went to school together for a short while.

Mother and father have done something terrible and I hope that one day you'll forgive them.

Oh, I have no idea how to say this sister, other than that they have expunged you from the entire clan listing. You have been deleted and pulled from the records and by Bothan law no longer exist to us. Brother and the rest of us were beside ourselves when father told us the news at dinner the other day and you should have seen the fight that broke out between father and brother. Brother went so far as to tell father that he had lost his mind! I could not believe the words streaming from brothers mouth and how he even threatened, yes threatened to leave the family if they did not stop this ridiculous behavior! The younglings ran from the table in tears and mother fainted right there. It was a complete scene.

Brother and I gathered all your things as quickly as we could. We sent them over to our Uncle Moss'Raeks house as we know he has ties to you and I know he will contact you soon if you do not contact him first.

I am so sorry little sister. I am so terribly sorry that all this happened to you and I will do my best once I can to get in contact with you. Please be safe, I know you are strong enough to find your way, you were strong enough to defy mother and father. That should at least count for something.

Remember, we love you little sister. Be safe and may the Way for what it is worth, guide you.

Love you,
Eeshnan Fey'Shen.

//end transmission//