The Holocron of Keren Vyar

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

*static washes over the screen, then dissipates, revealing the face of Keren Vyar staring into the camera, sitting at a computer terminal.*

All right. So I guess this isn't technically a holocron. But I don't know anyone who would teach me how to make one of those things, and in the end I think it would just be better if I kept this stuff on a datachip. The other guys are getting a little annoyed with my Jedi-ness, it seems. So having a holocron in the barracks is probably a bad idea. But I'm calling this a holocron mostly to amuse myself.

Maybe someday I'll make one properly, and record useful information for future generations of my kind, but for now this will serve as useful information for myself, to be passed on in the event of my death.

My name is Keren Vyar.

I am a Jedi Knight. But that is not all of who I am. I am a warrior. I...
*He pauses, looking off-screen. He seems...indecisive.*
I'm not sure what else I am. But I feel like I need to pick a side. My unit, the 95th Mobile Infantry, appreciates my powers, but I'm not sure how much they like me. I've decided to take one of my superiors as an apprentice. Diana Canmore is her name. The others don't seem to be happy about this, but I wanted to find an apprentice soon, because I might die any day now that I've rejoined the unit.

I split from the 95th once, though I doubt I shall ever do so again. My old Master, Sege Cirisia, returned from the dead, and so I felt compelled to join him. He was creating a new unit on orders from Alliance Intelligence. Something called Project Kota. The details are irrelevant, because the unit failed. So, I was eventually reassigned to the 95th. I regret leaving in the first place. Sege seems to have retreated again, but he has reaffirmed me of the fact that I no longer need his help. I thought he had more he wanted to teach me, but he told me I was ready to become a true Jedi.

So here I am. Training an apprentice who will either die, or get me killed trying to train her. I'll speak of her further in a later entry.

I said I had to pick a side. I'm not sure my unit is entirely on my side, but I am loyal to Captain Cloudrunner nonetheless. But the other Jedi I know, the group that once called itself the Sanctuary of Light, is no longer on my side. They represented, in my eyes, the last of the Jedi Order. I sought to learn from them and continue their traditions when I began training an apprentice, but they seem to have forsaken me. They do not like the fact that I have chosen to fight in the war, rather than weather out the storm in hiding as they choose to do.

I understand their position, but now I feel as though I have nowhere to belong. My own unit doesn't seem to respect me as they used to, and the Jedi I once counted as allies don't want me to be the one to carry on their traditions. I still have friends left, though. Nyx-Warda Sacora is one of them. She's a Jedi who is part of a group called White Thunder. I may join them, and see if they will help me train Diana.

*END ENTRY*

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Two

*Keren Vyar's face appears in the camera, this time without the presence of static.*

I'm worried about Diana.

She was apparently injured in an assassination attempt. I'm not sure who did it, but she's in critical condition. The attack happened while I wasn't there to help her. I feel like I've failed her, somehow. I'm worried that she may come out of this more angry than she was before. Her emotions are already in turmoil. She was...romantically attached to Lieutenant Andreas, Captain Cloudrunner's second-in-command. I'm not sure what happened, but what I do know is that they broke up, and Lemartius got rough with her. I can't do anything about that, but unfortunately what he did didn't help her emotional state. She's already angry about losing her family to the Empire on Alderaan. She was scared of dying, and she wanted to break off her relationship with Andreas because she feared losing him.

I convinced her to stay with him and enjoy the time they had together. Then that whole mess happened. Now she's with Cloudrunner. Just...don't ask me how I know that.
But I've failed Diana. I feel like I'm responsible for getting her to stay with Lemartius. Like if I hadn't told her to stay with him, maybe she wouldn't have gotten hurt. Like if I hadn't been on leave, maybe she wouldn't have been hit by that assassin.

I don't know what to do. I might be able to call in someone to help her recover, at least physically. But I don't know if I should be her Master anymore. If she falls to the Dark Side, that will be my fault.

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Three

*Keren Vyar's face appears in the camera. He's sitting in the 95th Mobile Infantry's barracks.*

I'm not sure what to do about Diana. There's a good chance she won't die, but I remember what she told me when I first began training her.

She fears death. She probably still does, despite what she told me. I need to do something to help her mentally. There's nothing I can do to help her physically at the moment, but unless I do something to help calm her down, she's going to lose her mind when they start her on recovery.

Stars above, I can't even imagine how she's feeling right now. Conscious, but completely paralyzed. Trapped inside her own body. I've tried to explain to her before this happened that there is more to a Jedi's life than the constraints of a physical form, but it's unlikely she's listened to a damn thing I've said.

Maybe she'll listen to me this time. I just need to figure out a way to communicate with her.
*His expression softens, as he looks away from the camera somewhat, eyes downcast.*

Damn it, Diana. I'm starting to wonder why I'm risking my neck to help you. But I care. And saving people is what I do.

*Keren faces the camera again. A determined expression is etched into every line of his face.*
Here goes nothing.
*The camera feed is cut as Keren switches off his personal terminal.*

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Four

*Keren's face appears in the camera, this time marred by static and interference. Trees sweep by the camera at high speed, and rain dots the lens. The drone of a swoop bike engine can be heard distinctly in the background. He appears to be riding through the forests of Yavin IV.*

I'm heading to the Jedi Enclave ruins on Yavin. My Master stored an old library of files in one of the sub-level chambers there, related to ancient Force techniques. I might be able to find something related to telepathy, something to allow me to enter Diana's mind and communicate with her directly.

Frankly I'm surprised at myself. I've never gone to this much trouble for someone so unwilling to listen to me. *He chuckles grimly, as the camera's view of the treetops behind his head shifts abruptly, as he swerves to avoid something.*

Right, well. Here we are.

*The camera feed cuts briefly, then resumes, showing Keren moving through the lower levels of the Enclave facility, then stopping in a small low-lit chamber.*

I've found it. The information here points to an ability that will enable me to project my own consciousness into Diana's mind. Sounds damned risky, though. According to the notes written here by the last Jedi to study this power, when trying to enter someone else's mind, the injuries sustained to one's "self" inside that person's mind can be carried over into their physical body, since it's left behind during the use of the ability, but still technically connected by some kind of metaphysical link.

So...if I die inside her mind...I'm dead. I can't return to my own body.

No. It doesn't matter. I have to risk it. I have to try.

I won't lose Diana. Not like this. I care about her too much to let her descend into madness.

I can't fail her. I won't. Not now, not again.

*Keren cuts off the transmission, but in the last shot, you can glimpse his face. Tears stream down his face, but his expression remains a mask of indomitable will. His ice-blue eyes seem to blaze with raw determination.*

<<END ENTRY>>

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Five

*Keren switches on the holocam. This time, it is mounted near the front viewport of his YT-2400 freighter, the Blue Behemoth. The light thrumming of its hyperdrive can be heard in the background. Keren is seated in the cockpit in his drill fatigues, casually observing the instruments from his place in the pilot's seat.*

I've practiced projecting myself a few times during my trip back to Corellia. I obviously don't have anything to practice projecting myself into, but I'm at least confident I can perform this ability well enough to enter Diana's mind and try to save her from this mess. She's very strong-willed, and although she might not be able to defend herself from a power she isn't familiar with, it'll be a little difficult for me to break through her unconscious mental barriers. Reading her thoughts is one thing, but entering her mind as a physical presence is something else entirely.

I can only hope it's enough.

I also found something interesting when I was searching the databanks in the lower levels of the Yavin Enclave.

*Keren reaches into a satchel resting in the operations chair. He rummages around in it for a moment, before withdrawing a strange medallion and holding it up to the camera, before setting it aside. It is small, roughly the size of a coin and hanging on a thin leather rope. The face of the medallion is engraved with a runic sigil, almost a stylized High Galactic letter V.*

I'm not sure what it means, but I could sense its presence. I believe this...necklace, or whatever it is, once belonged to a Jedi. I found it in a drawer hidden in a wall, along with some other relics. What was curious about this particular item was the fact that I could sense its presence. It seemed...familiar, somehow. I'm not sure why. I don't think I've ever seen it before.

I'll have to seek out McCay, if he'll speak with me. I'm not sure he considers me to be a Jedi any longer, so he might not help me. But he's the only person I can think of who might be able to determine the origin of this thing. I can't seem to shake the feeling that this necklace feels familiar to me.

I don't see how I could have encountered this medallion before. I found a pair of old lightsabers with it. Judging by the amount of dust on the relics, they've been there since before I was born.

I suppose I could also ask Nyx-Warda. Maybe I'll just ask her instead of Master Jones. I'd like to avoid any unpleasant confrontations with him, if possible. I don't want to hear another lecture about how "the battlefield is no place for a Jedi," and how I'm "straying from the true path." I would think he would understand that adhering to the old ways, as he does, is not the path for everyone. I call myself a Jedi because I choose to uphold their legacy through defending the weak, rather than hiding from the Empire and letting the Rebellion fight my battles for me.

*Keren sighs, closing his eyes and running a hand through his forehead and hair.*

It's best not to dwell on such thoughts. But yes, I think I will ask Nyx-Warda if she can identify this medallion. See about joining this White Thunder organization she mentioned. I might not have much time to help them, what with my obligations to the 95th, but it would be nice to be part of their little band. I need to reconnect with my roots.

And assuming that my gamble to save Diana succeeds, well...I'll need help getting her to listen to me in the future. I understand she's older than I am, but that's no reason for her to disregard my teachings. She made a vow to accept me as her Master, and before her injury, she didn't seem keen on upholding that vow. I need to figure out a way to get her to respect me.

If she continues to act this way after she recovers, I may have to refuse to train her.
I'm beginning to see now why the old Order never trained anyone older than a child.

<<END ENTRY>>

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

A scene inside Keren's head. He's dreaming, asleep aboard the Blue Behemoth as it makes the final leg of its journey back to Corellia.

*A voice can be heard. Male, rough. A deep voice, lined with age.*

"My son."

"Save me..."

*Keren sits up, but he is not aboard the Behemoth. He has been sleeping on the floor of a cold cell. So cold. A man stands outside the cell, separated from Keren by a blue containment field which crackles and buzzes with energy.*

"Save me!"

*Keren stares in horror as the man's face grows thinner right before his eyes, shifting into the gaunt, hollow visage of a dying man. A starving, dying man.*

"You were too late, my son. Too weak. You couldn't save us."

*The man's eyes close, then open again, this time blazing with sulphuric light. Keren's father shifts into a reflection of Keren himself, though dressed in a black rendition of Keren's armored robes.*

"You couldn't save us because you were too weak! Just as you will be too weak to save Canmore! She will fall! And then...you will be forced to destroy her!"

*Keren glares at the image of his reflection, rising to his feet. His face is contorted into a snarl of anger, but his eyes remain ice-blue, his stare growing cold.*

"No. I will not give up on her. There is good in her, whether she realizes it or not. She will become a Jedi."

"It is too late for her. You must destroy her before she poses a threat to your friends."

"NEVER!"
*Keren shouts furiously, slamming his fist into the energy field, aiming for his reflection's jaw. The field crackles, dissipating in a shower of lightning and sparks. Keren pales, eyes widening as he sees what truly lies behind the energy field. His parents are curled up in a corner, dead. Blood is smeared across the far wall, spelling out a grisly message.*

YOU
COULDN'T
SAVE
US

*Keren drops to his knees, tears streaming down his face in frozen silence.*
The dream ends. Keren awakes, breathing heavily in a cold sweat. He opens his hand, discovering the strange medallion clutched in it. He throws it across the room, shuddering.

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Six

*Keren switches on the holocam. It is early in the afternoon, according to the time-stamp on the screen, but he looks tired. Stubble has formed around his typically well-trimmed beard, creeping up the sides of his face.*

I can't sleep. That necklace I found keeps giving me nightmares. I keep waking up with it in my hand. I'm not sure if I'm pulling it with the Force while I'm asleep, or what. I've never heard of the Force being used unconsciously before, though I suppose if I were ever to use the Force in my sleep, telekinesis would come pretty naturally to me.

This thing is weirding me out. I've got half a mind to just stick the whole case of relics I found right in the disposal unit and space them, but I can't. I feel...connected to them, somehow.

I need to speak with Nyx-Warda about this stuff. Maybe that's one of the properties of this set of relics, they evoke a sense of familiarity to everyone.

Still, I need to stop these nightmares. The same one keeps recurring every night, though there are some variations. I'm putting the case of relics into one of the crates on board and locking it up.

*Keren looks up from the holocam for a moment, studying the Behemoth's instrument panel. He reads off the countdown timer on the hyperspace jump to himself.*

<sigh>...Looks like I've got another 24 hours or so before I'm back on Corellia again. Oh well. I suppose it could be worse. I could be stuck on that ACU ship again, with no windows. I understand why Diana prefers to command from the battle-bridge on her ships, but I hate being inside chambers that are that cramped. Reminds me too much of that cell.

Which leads me to wonder why I'm dreaming of that place again to begin with. I haven't been in that cell in what, nearly twenty-five years?

That's why the relics are weirding me out so much. I never expected to look upon that prison ever again, in my mind's eye or otherwise.
I'm also not sure why I keep dreaming of my parents' deaths. I know it's unhealthy for me to dwell on the subject, which is why I haven't given much thought to my parents.

Still, I do hope they're proud of me. I wonder what they'd think of me taking Diana as my apprentice. Probably that I'm out of my mind.

*Keren chuckles to himself.*

I hope she's okay. I really do.

I'm not sure what I'd do if I lost her. She's like an older sister to me, in some ways. Though that might explain why she doesn't listen to me. I wish I could understand why she seems to hate me so much. I've come to understand why she is the way she is, but I still don't get why she harbors such a strong dislike for me.

Maybe she hates me for being a Jedi. I know she's never had a high opinion of them, having served with them in the Clone Wars. But I'm not like them. I don't believe myself to be all-powerful, nor do I have any real desire for power. I only wish to serve the Alliance and prove my worth to the 95th. Nothing more, really.

I hope in time Diana can come to see I don't stand for the things she dislikes the Jedi for. That I'm not the same as them, and that she can trust and count on me.

I care about her so much that it hurts when she reacts that way. I wouldn't have offered to train her if I didn't care about her. Maybe she just doesn't regard me enough to notice.

Though she might be more appreciative of me if I manage to save her life for the second time.

I'm going to try and get some more sleep. No sense in trying to save her if I can't keep my eyes open.

<<END ENTRY>>

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Seven

*Keren switches on the holoprojector. His face looks tired, his eyes carrying an immense weight behind his gaze.*

Hell's bells. I have no idea where to even begin.

*He runs his hand to his forehead, sighing sadly.*

I returned from Yavin IV yesterday. Diana is alive. Thank the Force.

I went to see Nyx-Warda at her house. Unfortunately, things turned out not at all the way I'd hoped. She seemed eager to help me, until I brought out the artifacts I recovered from Yavin IV. She raged at me like I've never seen anyone do, telling me to get that "evil" out of her house. I was the most shocked I'd ever felt in my life. It was as if she'd stabbed me in the stomach with a knife made of black ice. I just...stood there. After all we've been through. I've laid my life on the line for her twice. I rescued her from slavery. When Thode was accusing her of blowing up his buildings, I was there to defend her. I would die for her.

Before I knew she was married and had children, I even thought that I loved her.

But she told me to get out. I shot back at her. I was harsh. Told her she was making a fine example for her children to follow. I could tell that I had hurt her back, and now, I regret it. I never should have said those things to her. I'm worried she and I might never speak again.

*Tears stream down Keren's face as he says this, and his voice breaks. He chokes back a sob.*

Now I've failed the two people in my life I truly care about.
*Keren swallows hard, getting his voice back.*
Way to go, Vyar. You stupid piece of crap.

And then there's Diana. The way she acted tonight, I began to see her true self. Odva and Dartel started a mutiny. They were captured, but Diana then assumed command. I went with her for a time, but then she wanted me to strap Odva to an EMP device and cook his armor off of him. It was breached, and the EMP could easily have burned him, or shocked him with enough volts to stop his heart and kill him. I refused. I threatened to stop training her. I can't believe I did that. I don't want to know what that would do to her if I abandoned her.

Sege had to abandon me once, through no fault of my own. That nearly destroyed me. With Diana in the state she's in, what would that do to her?

I don't want to know what that would do. What it would drive her to do. I can't justify it, especially not after Nyx-Warda did what she did to me. I won't inflict my pain on others.

All the same, I don't know if I can justify continuing her training, either.

*Keren's facial expression shifts to a gaze of pure doubt in his eyes. He feels alone. Powerless.*

I don't know what to do.

<<END ENTRY>>

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Eight

*Keren's face swims into view on the holocam. He looks like he's feeling better than he has recently, though the weight behind his gaze remains, not yet hidden behind a mask of calm as it usually is.*

I spoke to McCay today.

Yeah, I know. McCay Jones. The guy I never thought I'd be able to go to for help.

Turns out Efade knows him. He took me to Dantooine to meet with him, in someplace called Madrid Harbor. Master Jones was very helpful, actually. He believes that the lightsabers and medallion I found belonged to my parents. I'm inclined to believe that, as it makes sense with the nightmares I've been having. Though I believe the medallion was my father's, as it bears what I think might be his family crest. I wonder what kind of Jedi my parents were, that my father would have a family crest, or that my mother would marry him. I didn't think Jedi were permitted to marry, and as far as I can tell my parents were part of the old Order.

Master Jones was also able to offer me counsel on the matter of Diana's training, and I spoke to him about my encounter last night with Nyx-Warda. He seemed nearly as troubled as I was by her reaction to my request for help. I think he might try to speak with her.

*Keren sighs sadly.*
I never should have spoken the way I did to her. I hope I will have an opportunity to make it up to her. I want to apologize to her in person. Let her know that I'm sorry for what I did. Let her know I'm still here for her, if she needs me.

I also need to talk to Diana. I meant to do so this afternoon, but she was resting, and I didn't want to disturb her. I need to apologize to her, as well. I didn't really intend to stop training her. Not yet, at any rate. Master Jones suggested that I try to speak with Diana. Let her know why I'm feeling so reluctant to train her. Maybe she just doesn't realize how close she has come to falling to the Dark Side.

Hell, maybe she doesn't even care. But I'm going to talk to her anyway. She's been resting for most of the day. I guess all that telekinesis she had to use yesterday took more out of her than it appeared to.

That's one of the reasons I admire Diana sometimes. She has such strength under fire. She hasn't let her injury slow her down a bit. Unfortunately her force of will is going to get her into trouble. She's too ruthless. Too single-minded about getting things done. She doesn't realize that the means are never justified by the end result, especially in the case of a Jedi's actions.

*A distant voice is heard, shouting.*
"Mobile Infantry! Assemble, on the double!"

Oh, hell...sounds like it's time for drills or something. How fun. Guess I'll have to go. I'll finish this entry later, after I speak to Diana.

*The voice is heard again. Probably Lemartius, or Caffran.*
"Vyar! Get your lazy ass out here, goddamn it!"

*Keren groans with mild frustration. He shuts off the holocam.*

<<END ENTRY>>

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Nine

*Keren switches on the holocam. He looks tired and sad, again.*

Damn it.

I failed her.

I told Diana I won't train her anymore. I can't. Not after what she said to me. I realize now I should never have offered to train her. She disregards my teachings, insults my beliefs. And now she's going to go look for a new Master. I know I'm probably the only Jedi stupid enough to try to train her, and so that means she will inevitably look for a Sith or Dark Jedi to train her now.

She wants to use her powers to bring down the Empire. At any cost, she told me. Which means that I'm now responsible for whatever atrocities she'll commit. I awakened her powers, and taught her how to use them.

Maybe I should just stop being a Jedi. I can't pass on what I've learned without it blowing up in my face.

I wanted to be able to Knight her someday. Now I may have to kill her, if she falls.

Can I even bring myself to do that? Kill my own student? I care about her. I don't want to see her walk down the Dark path. I wanted to redeem her.

*A robotic voice is heard jabbering politely.* "Hello!"

I'm busy.

"Indubitably."

Go away, please.

"Very well, my apologies for the disturbance!"

I don't know what I'm going to do.

<<END ENTRY>>

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Ten

*Keren's face appears in the holocam again. He's sitting in his bunk. He looks as though he feels the best he has felt in a long time, though he also appears tired.*

Last night was...eventful.

I think for the first time in my life, I'm grateful to my unit for forcing me to have some fun...*He chuckles.*

Yeah, I'm still worried about Diana and Nyx-Warda, but...it's rather difficult to think about them right now...far easier to think about Xan, and when I'll see her again. *He smiles softly.*

I just hope she won't be too angry when I'm forced to reveal to her my true identity...but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, I suppose. It could be easier just to hide it, but...it's not in my nature to lie to the ones I care about. And she cares for me, too.

It feels nice to be cared for, really.

<<END ENTRY>>

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Eleven

*Keren sits in the corner of the mess hall, the holocam resting on the table in front of him. He seems less tired now, and not nearly as troubled.*

I spoke to Diana this morning. I told her I was sorry for what I said. She forgave me, though I am uncertain if she meant it. I told her that I didn't want to abandon her. I meant that.

I just hope I'm able to live up to my promise. I told her I would make her a Jedi Knight. I intend to hold to that promise with every last fiber of my being. I will see her Knighted one day, and never again abandon her. She seems calmer than she was, and she gave me her word that she would not forsake my teachings as she had in the past. I will have to take a different approach this time. I believed before that her force of will would give her the power to resist the Dark Side. I had not realized that the source of her willpower had been tainted, and that it came from the Dark Side itself. She has the power to resist the Dark Side, but I must first bring her back from it. I need to redeem her. I've made some progress by examining the relationship she had with her father, but she will yet take some convincing that she can honor his memory, and more so that she should.

However, I think she is on her way back from the brink. When she has rested further, we will talk more about Jedi philosophy. She seems more willing to accept it now, though I cannot be sure that she believes in what I'm teaching her. It would be easier if she were healed of her injury. I feel that if she could walk again, live her life again, she would see that she still has a reason to continue fighting.

Perhaps I should devote myself further to the study of healing techniques, so that I might be able to help her more directly. She might appreciate my counsel more, or at the very least have more respect for me, if I were able to provide an alternative to her upcoming surgery. It might restore her faith in the power of the Force, and show her that it is not merely a weapon of war.

I will speak to McCay. He might have resources I can use to train myself further.

And then I can focus on helping Nyx-Warda.

*Keren shuts off the holocam with a flick of his hand.*

<<END ENTRY>>

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

(( Listen to the song while you read it, to get the emotional feel ))

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7uoC-YTQy8

Entry Twelve

*Keren is sitting in the pilot's seat of his improbably-painted YT-2400, the Blue Behemoth, wearing his battle-dress uniform. His eyes look tired, but there is a light within them that suggests Keren is rather pleased, despite his fatigue at the lateness of the hour, and the long trip back to Corellia that awaits him.*

I went to see Nyx-Warda at her house in Virantis tonight. She seemed calmer than she had before. I spoke to her about the relics, and how I had managed to discover their true nature and origins. She seemed regretful that she had shouted at me, the last time we spoke in person. I hold no ill will towards her for what she said that night. I forgave her, and then the conversation turned to the matter of Diana, somehow. I told Nyx about what had happened, how I had discharged Diana as my Padawan, but how I was still going to try to redeem her, and that I had offered Diana a second chance.

Nyx-Warda seemed to sense that I hadn't really come to talk to her about the relics or Diana, but eventually she stopped skirting the subject and allowed me to ask her about what had been troubling her. Troubling her enough to cause her to renounce her Knighthood. She spoke of how she felt she was losing her touch. She believed she was past her prime, and that she had become a burden to her friends. I suppose she feels that way because of her injuries. The loss of her sight, and then her leg. I could tell that she was hurting, but I knew I had to help her fight through the pain. I knew I had to get her to see that she was still the same Nyx-Warda that I had come to respect and care so deeply for when I first met her.

Eventually my words seemed to reach her. I could have nearly jumped for joy when I saw that old light in her eyes again. That spark of stubborn resolve, that resolute unwillingness to give up, no matter what the odds. I only saw it for a moment, but it was there nonetheless.

*He smiles at remembering that brief glimpse of the Nyx-Warda he knew, then resumes speaking.*

I think she'll be all right now. It's only a matter of time. Still, I made sure she knew that I'm here for her.

I told her, if she needs me...all she has to do is call.

*Keren smiles again, switching off the holocam with a flick of his wrist in its direction.*

<<END ENTRY>>

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Thirteen

*Keren is sitting in a bar in Mos Carova. To the trained eye it becomes obvious that he is sitting in the Trusty Thruster, sipping from a bottle of Corellian Ale. He sighs softly, his eyes surveying his surroundings before he leans into the lens of the holocam and begins speaking, loud enough for the recorder to pick up his voice, but quiet enough that most people wouldn't care to listen.*

So much has happened that it is difficult for me to put it all into words. *Keren's eyes are clearly visible now, and though he looks fatigued, his gaze shines with a newfound vigor.*

Xanthya came to see me again after she got off work. I knew I wanted to spend some time with her, and talk to her about what was about to happen. I didn't care how tired I was. We came here, to the Thruster, and had some drinks. Talked for awhile about each other's lives. She wants to take me to meet some of her friends this weekend, she says. She also mentioned that she wanted to take me shopping.

Apparently I need to update my style.

Can't say I blame her. It was either show up in my armored robes, or wear my drill fatigues again. Diana had told me the robes were ugly as sin, so you can guess which outfit I opted for. At least it was freshly cleaned.

I had wanted to stay in the bar and show her a good time before we headed back for some...R and R, but unfortunately a couple of pirates decided to break up the monotony by starting a fight. At least, I think they were pirates. One of them mentioned something about the Glastons. I've heard of them.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. What matters is what Xanthya told me last night. That she loves me, and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. I was so happy to hear her say that.
*Keren smiles.*
I had been so worried when we got back to my house...I knew I had to tell her that I was shipping out, but I wasn't sure at all how she'd react. I thought she might've shouted at me, thinking I was just making things up to break off the relationship in a hurry. But she didn't. She just smiled at me, and told me there was nothing for me to be afraid of. She was sad, but we both were. I wanted to just stay there forever, holding her in my arms, and forget about the war. But I know I can't. I have to fight to make the galaxy a safer place. For her. For everyone.

But she understands that. We both hate what's going on in the galaxy, but someday we're going to be able to do something about it. Maybe once Steven finishes Xan's training, she might even join me. Though I don't know if the field of battle is a place I want to see Xanthya in. She's a peaceful, gentle woman. She shouldn't have to put up with this. It's not right for me to get her to fall in love with me, only to have to leave on another tour, and never see her again.

No...I will see her again. I promised her I would always love her, no matter what. Never in my life have I had a reason to want to return from a battle. Now I do. I have Xanthya.

I gave her my father's medallion to keep with her while I am gone. A piece of me. A piece of my heart. She gave me her necklace in return. I shall keep it with me until I am safely returned to her.
I told her so long as she has that medallion, I shall never be far from her. And she will always be close to my heart.

I love her so much.
*Keren smiles again, then closes the holocam, and the feed goes dark.*

<<END ENTRY>>

[Scruffy-Looking Keren-Herder]

Entry Fourteen

*Keren is sitting in his house, leaning in his desk chair in his workroom, with his feet propped up on the table. His hands are folded in his lap, and he speaks into the holocam in a quiet voice.*

I tried to help Diana again. It didn't go well. *He sighs.*

I'd spent the previous three days trying to find a way to accelerate her natural healing processes, to get her ready for her surgery faster so that she can get back on her feet, literally, and live her life again. I spoke to Master Jones, and he directed me to speak with a woman named Tamar. Turns out she had something to do with the folks from Zephyr Base.

Funny old galaxy, isn't it? Seems like it was just a week ago that Diana, Lieutenant Andreas and I were on Rori, and Diana was trying to convince the commanders at Zephyr to lend us some air support so that we could safely evacuate Naboo before our fortifications came under assault by the Imperial Navy. They weren't inclined to cooperate with us. Seemed to think it was the 95th's fault that the Chommel Sector was about to be overrun with Imps. I think it was sort of an equal-blame thing. No idea why they wanted to point fingers at us.

Heh. At least we were actually trying to oppose the Empire on their home turf. Force forbid we should do something so bold as try to fight the war where our enemy has an advantage and actually have the audacity to claim some victories.

But I digress. Tamar was quite helpful. She directed me to go to Dantooine with her, and we were able to recover a suitable crystal. I then went to the site of the old Jedi Temple ruins and was succesful in harnessing the power of a large waterfall in order to purify it of the residual Dark Side energies it had been sitting in. An unfortunate side effect of our finding the crystal caves overrun with cultists. Next, we went to Yavin, after having our adventures on Dantooine culminate in a run-in with an Imperial patrol. Strangely enough, the same pilot from Dantooine turned up again in Yavin space, but thankfully we eluded him. It was here that I met a Jedi with the Alliance like myself, a man named Korris. He helped Tamar and I reach the Enclave ruins there, and I finished empowering the crystal.

And that's when it all went to hell.

I returned to base on Corellia and brought the crystal to Diana. After a discussion with her about how the process was going to work, we formed a passive mental link between ourselves, creating a sort of power circle, as Tamar had instructed. A link between myself, the crystal's power, and Diana. The procedure seemed like it was going to work, but Diana was struggling with progressing her connection with me to the crystal's power so that she could draw on it. In addition, my own willpower was being drained by holding open the connection to the crystal while at the same time keeping its power from entering me. Eventually, Diana just pushed the connection too far, and she drove herself into my mind, accidentally bypassing my mental barriers.

She saw...everything. We both did. Everything that we could have hidden from each other.

Hell's bells...all of my training, all my years spent studying the mysteries of the Force...none of it could have prepared me for what I saw.

I saw...death. Anger. Hatred. Pure rage. All the darkness in Diana's life, pouring out like fire behind my eyes, until I couldn't bear to see it anymore. I saw her standing in front of her family's burning estate on Alderaan, her parents shot in front of her, dying. She fled. I felt her shame well up inside me like it was my own. I saw Alderaan destroyed, and these wounds opened afresh. I know now why she is the way she is. I understand her now. I see why Diana hates the Empire so much. She has every reason to want to hunt them all down, and drown her hands in the blood of those who wronged her so deeply.

But I can't allow her to do what she wants to do. I need to help her let go of her pain. Let go of her hate. Before it destroys her. Before it crushes the last spark of good left in her heart.

*Keren sighs softly, then turns off his personal terminal.*

<<END ENTRY>>